He died peacefully...he died looking at me; looking at me from his small window while I was too scared to simply watch him go.He keept looking at me while I was moving around in despair,crying my inability to help him in any way.While he was dying I was tossing around in weakness,in front of him,not being able to simply accept the most common fact in the world-death...his death...He died peacefully looking at me,somehow trying to calm me down,telling me in his last glance that he is ok with it and so I should be...
I never-NEVER-was able to accept that there are things we cant change and while he was dying I was too busy with my remorse...not being enough with him,not loving him the way he deserved to,not playing enough,not making him happy everyday of his short, cruel life...
Then I saw his eyes were missing something...that sparkle he used to have was gone...to nowhere.And I just did what I knew best:broke down and cried...and touched him praying he still feels me,that he has no pain,that I wont make the same mistakes again. Cried,knowing so well that crying can never change a thing anyway...His eyes will always hunt me in my dreams, looking at me from his small window,peaceful or unable to fight anymore.This I`ll never know,but one thing is for sure...even if he left peacefully I`ll never find my own peace...and I`ll always fight for lost causes,even if it will break my heart everytime,even if my soul will hurt, cause I still cant give up,I`m still unable to accept that things cant change...Or maybe im not able to learn a lesson well.
